Celebrating my mother's 80th Birthday. Heaven's not that far away.

My dear sweet mother passed away 15 months ago.  It's still hard to believe she's gone!  Life moves on and grief comes and goes.  This last month my dad got remarried on May 20, 2017.  

The week of Mother's Day was Sunday May 14, 2017.  Last year on mother's day was the day that I found myself prostrate on her grave crying inconsolably.  That day a miracle of sorts occurred.  I actually felt the Holy Spirit come over me and whisper, "Your mother is not in that hole."  Then it was as if I could hear my sweet mother's voice in my mind echoing that very statement.  I could hear my mom saying, "Yeah, Hun!  I'm not in that hole; you know!  You know the plan of salvation.  You know it's true!  Get up.  Wipe your tears and look at the beauty all around you.  My spirit is very much alive and well.  It's so very beautiful here.  I am near you."

This year on Mother's Day it was a little easier.  It's still not my favorite day.  I used to love Mother's Day!  I would get my mom a gift and tell her how much I loved and appreciated her.  I patterned my life after hers and wanted to be just like her.  To me, she was the perfect mother! But this year Mother's Day was the beginning of a difficult, emotionally draining week.  I got through it without too many tears.  I was not excited about my dad's wedding.  His new lady is very nice and sweet.  It was more the timing of it all.  I would think, "Why is dad getting married the same week as mother's day and mom's birthday?  Why?"  

On Wednesday night before mom's birthday I prayed fervently to Heavenly Father.  I asked him; I pleaded with Him.  I needed to feel peaceful about my dad's wedding and feel happy for him.  It's not good to be alone.  I knew that.  I knew that mom was encouraging my dad to remarry.  I just needed to convince my heart of what my mind knew was truth.  The morning of May 18, 2017 I crawled out of bed and again poured my heart out to Heavenly Father.  I asked him to please bless my dear sweet mother that she may have an enjoyable birthday in Heaven.  

I was so surprised and happy to receive a most beautiful gift that day.  As I was working, I could feel my mother's presence. I could feel her happy spirit.  I could hear her kind, uplifting, happy thoughts in my mind.  It sounded just like her voice!  My client commented on my mood that day and said, "Laura, you seem to be in an extra good mood today.  You have a different happy spirit about you.  What happened?"  I knew the truth, but am always a little guarded with whom I share these experiences.   I reluctantly told my client, "Today is my mother's birthday.  She would have turned 80 years old today if she were alive.  But I'm not sad about it because I actually feel my mom right by my side today.  She is with me.  It's so very wonderful!"   My client's response was, "Oh Laura!  You are right!  She IS with you!"

When I got home from working that day mom was still with me.  Two of my daughters were home too.  They noticed my change in mood and behavior as well.  They would say things like, "That sounded just like Grandma."  or  "That's something Grandma would do."  After hearing both of my daughters make these comments, I just couldn't contain myself anymore.  I finally said, "Guess what girls?  Today is your Grandma's birthday.  She would have been 80 years old.  She's here and has been with me all day today.  Let's party!  Who wants to play cards?!"  That's exactly what we did.  We played mom's favorite card games and drank sparkling apple cider in honor of her birthday!

Thanks to a loving Heavenly Father who answers a humble prayer! Thanks to God for allowing my mom's spirit to be with me!  God is real.  God is good. God knows each of His children by name.  There is life after death.  The spirit lives on and is free from the broken body that held it prisoner at death.  When Jesus Christ comes again.  YES!  He will come again!  When that day is here, all of our loved ones who have passed away will be reunited with their bodies.  Jesus led the way.  He died for our sins and paid the ultimate price for us so that justice is served. Jesus was resurrected on the 3rd day. He atoned for us so that we can be resurrected too.  All we have to do is BELIEVE in him. Jesus has mercy for those who believe in Him and follow His ways.

Happy Birthday Mom!  Thank you for teaching me the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I know it's true.

http://www.ldsliving.com/Where-Is-the-Spirit-World-How-Can-We-Feel-Those-on-the-Other-Side/s/82520

Dreaming with a broken heart.

I've been having a lot of dreams lately.  One morning I woke up with this song in my head.

 Most of my dreams are about my mother.  (Oh how I miss her! ) But some dreams are about other things going on in my life.  For example.  Anthony recently started a new job about a month before mom passed away.  This was doctor's orders.  His current technical support job was so very demanding that he was under severe stress which led to major anxiety issues and panic attacks.

For those of you whom have never suffered a panic/anxiety attack.  Please don't judge those who have..  You actually feel as though you are going to die.  Your heart is racing, you are in pain, it feels awful.  You are so consumed with all the pain and anguish that you literally cannot make any rational decisions.  I'm speaking from experience here...  This is something that I would wish upon NO ONE EVER!!!

As hard as it was for myself to go through this pain, it's even harder to watch a loved one go through it too.  I would pray constantly asking God to take away his pain.  I would ask God to please guide me so that I would know how to comfort him.  Answers came.  SLOWLY and SOFTLY the answers came.  Hard decisions had to be made.  Changes had to be made.  All at the same time as watching my mother's health steadily decline.   The interesting part of this whole scenario is that my mom  in her own state of anguish, was always my best confidant.  She always knew what to say to comfort me.  She never complained about her own ailing health.  Mom was always more concerned with her children, grandchildren and sons- in- law's situations.

So..  Anthony started school to change his profession on Feb. 15.  Lived on campus and studied to the fullest.  He got hired by C.R. England on March 4 of 2016  the day that my mom passed away.
He was able to attend mom's funeral and left for training the very next day.  He's driving a Tractor with a semi trailer  (18 wheeler) on long hauls.  He gets to come home for a few hours on the weekends for a rest, then he's off again on another long haul.

I've not seen Anthony this relaxed and happy for over 20 years!  What a wonderful change for him!
For me, it feels as though I've become an orphan and a widow in the same day.  I know I'm grieving my mother's passing.  But it gets really difficult when you don't have your best friends (mom and husband) to lean on anymore.

I'm an independent person.  I'm a strong person.  I can do it.  I know it will get easier and by all means, I'm so NOT COMPLAINING that my husband is gone.  He calls me from the road and we talk for hours.  Again, I've not remembered him being this content in life for a VERY LONG TIME!

Back to my dreams..  When Anthony is home it's so very bitter sweet.  We are like newly weds.  But one night I dreamed that he had left for a long haul without saying goodbye to me.  It felt so real and I was so hurt and angered by it that I was crying and yelling as I awoke from my dream.   He was still home.  I told him about it and he comforted me.

Then there is my cute daddy.  My heart aches so for his loss of mom.  They were married for 60 years.  Daddy turns 80 years old next month.  Sixty years together with mom is 3/4 of his entire life so far.  It must feel as though one of his appendages has been removed from him.

I know when mom wants me to help out my daddy.  I can feel her nudges.  Usually a song will play.  What's interesting is that I sang the song...  "Wildest dreams" by Taylor Swift to my mom the morning that she passed.  I guess in a way, I was asking her to visit me in my dreams!  Guess what..  she does!

♫ Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams (Ah ah)
Wildest dreams (Ah ah) ♫

Jessica sang this song for Grandma Billington a few days before she passed away.  She loved it when we would sing for her.  My mom is an angel now.  She is busy taking care of all of her loved ones that she left here on earth.  She loves us so very much!

My most recent dream of my mother was in the middle of the day.  Last Wednesday.  I was really busy and had my day all booked out.  Over booked actually.  I could feel my mom's presence near as I was trying to make quick decisions.  I couldn't remember where I had left my purse and I needed to leave the house again.  I was searching, looking in every open doorway of rooms that I had been in....   Then, out of the corner of my eye (in my peripheral vision) I saw my mother's image  when she was probably in her early 20's.  I turned to get a better look and she was not there.  I'm thankful that I got just a tiny glimpse of her.  She was happy, young and beautiful!

Yesterday I felt her nudges again.  She wanted me to help dad.  She literally guided me to him.  I was in Orem at my sister's house and I saw a picture of mom and dad that I'd never seen before.  I asked for a copy of that picture and was given one.  I then left her house and decided to go to the post office to mail a package that had been riding in my back seat for several days.  I went to the Orem post office.  I had never been there before.  When I walked into the post office, there was my dad at the counter talking to a lady.  I thought..  huh?  daddy?  This is just too much of a coincidence to be a coincident!  I used a self service kiosk to quickly mail my package.  Then I walked over to him.  He was getting very agitated at the circumstances that had led to him not receiving his mail at his new address.  I didn't want to startle him, but I could feel mom urging me to go stand with him to give him moral support.  Daddy turned to look at me with a surprised look on his face.  I just put my arm around his shoulders and said we could figure this out together.

Tonight we are celebrating mom's 79th birthday that would be on May 18.

Happy Birthday MOM!!!!

Keep Holding On....

My mother crossed over from this life on Friday March 4, 2016 in the early evening.  I have been postponing blogging about it for some reason?  Not exactly certain why?  Perhaps it's because I've been mourning her passing like most people mourn.  I've felt depressed and deflated.  I miss her terribly. Sometimes I feel angry.  I know these are all part of the process of grieving a loved one's passing.  My mind tells me that she really is in a better place, while my heart aches like never before.  I miss her touch, her laugh, her hugs and her love.....

This picture of us holding hands was the last picture I took of us together.  Mom was not coherent at the time.  I spent hours with her.  I would sing to her.  I held her hand. I would lay on the bed next to her and just talk to her about my childhood memories.

 At one point I looked into the mirror adjacent to where we were laying on her bed.  That image is forever burned into my brain.  My mom and me lying on the bed.  A beautifully framed picture of Jesus and this scripture:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

When the hospice nurse had us wean mom off her oxygen they also instructed us on what to expect while she was dying.  We knew it wouldn't be long before she crossed over. We decided to take turns staying with dad while we were waiting for her to pass.  I had just left their apartment after saying my final goodbye to her as one of my other sisters was taking the first shift.  I drove home in a silent car.  I was very sad because I knew I would not see my mom here on earth again.  Right before I got to my home, I felt a strong urge to be happy and listen to the radio. "Mom would want me to be happy for her."  The first song I heard was this one: "Keep Holding On".  I could feel mom near me.  She was telling me that she had passed.  She was so happy and wanted me to know that she would always be near.

  I pulled into our driveway to see my son Jared, his wife Adree, my husband Anthony, holding our grandson Aaron.  Aaron came towards me and wanted me to hold him.  He was trying to talk to me in his cute babble voice.  Then he gave me a big kiss!  I then got the phone call from my dad that mom had passed away.  I already knew.  And..  Aaron knew too and was trying to comfort me. 

Walking by faith on a firm foundation.

This picture was taken on December 29th 2015 @ Spring Valley Hospital in Las Vegas NV.  Mom ended up in the hospital before Emilee and Josh's wedding.  We were all disappointed that she didn't get to be at the wedding.  Jared is visiting with his Grandma in this picture.  Mom loves to visit with her grandchildren and great grandchildren.  Mom is the best grandma in the entire world!!!!

Today is Thursday January 28, 2016.  My oldest son, Eric Keele was born 30 years ago today.  We celebrated Eric's birthday by eating dinner at Chubby's Restaurant in Pleasant Grove, UT.



Yesterday on Wednesday January 27, 2016 I went with my mom and dad to the cemetery office in Pleasant Grove.  We picked out and purchased their  plots where they will be buried.  As strange as it may sound, it was a very calm and peaceful time.  Perhaps it's all part of helping me deal with the fact that death is actually a part of life.  It's the doorway back into Heaven where we all began.  Birth is the passageway here to earth life.  Death takes us home to our Father in Heaven who created us and loves us more than we can comprehend.  Why do we fight so hard to keep our loved ones here on earth with us?  We know where they are going is so beautiful and peaceful and wonderful.  Even better, their spirits are alive and very well.  It's their physical bodies that are laid to rest to wait for the day of Resurrection.  That day will come for all of us.  We have been promised.
I am so grateful for the foundation that my parents gave me.  Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.  Repentance.  Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins. The gift of the Holy Ghost.  We have no need to fear!  We walk by faith.

Where did the past year go?

In January of 2015 Anthony, Jessica and I decided to take a leap of faith and come back to Utah to be close to my mother who is very ill.  We had almost lost her two times in the year 2014.  We knew we wanted to be close to her and other family.  This picture was taken on the journey back to Utah first week of February 2015.

On February 19, 2015 Anthony was bitten in the face by a dog.  He had general surgery to repair his nose and lip.  He had just been hired to begin his new job when Anthony had an allergic reaction to his post surgery medications.  This set up a chain reaction in his body.  Anthony also suffered with a very intense illness called C.Diff.  This illness returned two more times before he finally kicked it!

"Aaron Anthony Keele was born March 26th 2015 at 10:55 pm in Annapolis, Maryland. Weighed in at 9 lbs even and 20 inches long. We worked very hard and long for him to get here. Adree and Aaron are doing great. Jared is doing great too."  - Post by Jared Keele on Face Book.

In April we were honored by a visit from our good friend, Brenda Krallis from Raleigh North Carolina.  She and her husband Bob were our home teachers in Raleigh 2nd Ward.  We call this SERIOUS dedication to home teaching!  

By the month of March we had moved our motor home to the back yard of Elise and Aziz's rental home in Pleasant Grove, Utah.  Anthony and I had our jobs secured and Jessica was enrolled as a Sophomore in Pleasant Grove High School.  We began the house hunting.

Emilee and Josh got engaged on April 1st. (No fooling!) We enjoyed many family outings.  This picture was taken at the park in Pleasant Grove as we celebrated Anthony's birthday April 11th with a BBQ and some old fashioned Kick Ball.

On April 20th  Anthony and I celebrated our 30th Wedding Anniversary.  Sorry no pictures.  Anthony and I were given a wonderful gift by all six of our kids to go to Anniversary Inn for the weekend.  We also were showered with spending cash and a gift card to eat at the fancy restaurant.

Charles Anthony Keele turned 1 year old on May 11, 2015.

For Memorial Day we had a camping trip in Goshen Canyon.  Horse shoes, hiking, baseball, great food around the camp fire!  This picture is of Miss Mabel and grandma on a hike!

For Aziz Ahmed's birthday in June, we went to a Bees Game.  Mabel was not so sure about the Bee!  

We bought a home and moved in during the month of June.

In July Jared, Adree and Aaron came out to Utah to visit us!  Aaron Anthony Keele was blessed in Walsburg, UT.  July 12, 2015.  This picture is of the 5 Keele men!  Anthony Keele, father.  Eric Keele holding his son Charles Anthony Keele on the right.  Jared Keele holding his son, Aaron Anthony Keele on the left.

In August I started a new job as receptionist for Alpine Animal Hospital.  Love my job!

September and October were spent taking care of mom as she was in and out of the hospital again.  And Dad had his cataracts removed.

I turned 50 years old on November 4th.  We had dinner at The Smoking Apple Restaruant in Pleasant Grove.  Elise bought me this cake from Kneaders.

Emilee was endowed at the Payson Temple in November.

 Here are Elise Ahmed, Grandma Billington, Sundy Anderson and Tenille Holyoak (just a few who attended the bridal shower for Emilee.

We had a bridal shower for Miss Emilee the Saturday after Thanksgiving.  Amberly Scnurr did a great job with the planning and decorations and games!

Love this picture of Emilee and Grandma Billington at the bridal shower!

 Jenn and Lily Peterson came for a visit in early December.

 Lily found a small patch of real snow.  She lives in Florida, so she only sees fake snope!

We visited Granma and Grandpa Billington at their Treeo apartment.

L to R  Harvey Billington, Jennifer Peterson, Patricia Billington, Lily Peterson and Emilee Keele.

 We had our Billington Family Christmas Party on Dec. 19, 2015.  We got a cookbook with all of Mom's favorite recipes.

 Santa came to visit us.  Here he is with Charlie and Mabel.

On Christmas Day we woke up to a foot of snow.  We shoveled ourselves out.  Had breakfast with Eric Keele's family and then traveled in the motor home to St. George Utah were we met up with Adree, Jared and Aaron Keele.

We worked on a song for Josh and Emilee to do as a flash mob at their wedding luncheon.  This is one of our practice sessions.

Josh and Emilee were married on Dec. 29, 2015 in the Las Vegas LDS Temple.

Trading roles. Caring for an aging parent. Learning to let go.

It's not a surprise to most of my friends and family to learn that Anthony, Jessica and I relocated back to Utah last year (2015)  My mom and I have always been close.  I looked up to her in my childhood, through most of my teenage years and especially as I got married and became a mother.  My mom was/is my role model.  She is kind, funny, loving, beautiful and talented.

We just arranged to have mom on hospice care.  I've got such mixed emotions. I know the time for her to pass is drawing nearer each day.  The longer she is allowed to linger, the harder it is for me to let go.  I know she will not be far.  I know where she is going is beautiful.  I know we are an eternal family.  I know we will all be together again.  I know Heavenly Father loves us all.  This is just part of God's plan.  No...  this ain't goodbye!

Today I was driving home from my walking at the Rec Center when the song came on the radio:  "In Your Eyes"  by Peter Gabriel.  It was Graham thanking me for doing his ordinance work at the temple.  This is the song that plays whenever I know he is around.  I felt his peace and contentment as I listened to the song.  The words of the song echo softly in my mind....."In your eyes I am complete".... and light snow flakes started to fall around me.  Beautiful!

 On Tuesday January 12, 2016 Anthony and I took his name to the Mount Timpanogos Utah LDS Temple and completed Graham Thirsk's ordinance work.

Graham was a friend and co worker to Anthony in Raleigh, North Carolina.  We had spent many hours together in our homes.  We shared a love of music.  Sometimes we would all just sit and listen to Graham's collection and sometimes our family would sing for him.  Graham tragically ended his own life on August 5, 2014.