Most of my dreams are about my mother. (Oh how I miss her! ) But some dreams are about other things going on in my life. For example. Anthony recently started a new job about a month before mom passed away. This was doctor's orders. His current technical support job was so very demanding that he was under severe stress which led to major anxiety issues and panic attacks.
For those of you whom have never suffered a panic/anxiety attack. Please don't judge those who have.. You actually feel as though you are going to die. Your heart is racing, you are in pain, it feels awful. You are so consumed with all the pain and anguish that you literally cannot make any rational decisions. I'm speaking from experience here... This is something that I would wish upon NO ONE EVER!!!
As hard as it was for myself to go through this pain, it's even harder to watch a loved one go through it too. I would pray constantly asking God to take away his pain. I would ask God to please guide me so that I would know how to comfort him. Answers came. SLOWLY and SOFTLY the answers came. Hard decisions had to be made. Changes had to be made. All at the same time as watching my mother's health steadily decline. The interesting part of this whole scenario is that my mom in her own state of anguish, was always my best confidant. She always knew what to say to comfort me. She never complained about her own ailing health. Mom was always more concerned with her children, grandchildren and sons- in- law's situations.
So.. Anthony started school to change his profession on Feb. 15. Lived on campus and studied to the fullest. He got hired by C.R. England on March 4 of 2016 the day that my mom passed away.
He was able to attend mom's funeral and left for training the very next day. He's driving a Tractor with a semi trailer (18 wheeler) on long hauls. He gets to come home for a few hours on the weekends for a rest, then he's off again on another long haul.
I've not seen Anthony this relaxed and happy for over 20 years! What a wonderful change for him!
For me, it feels as though I've become an orphan and a widow in the same day. I know I'm grieving my mother's passing. But it gets really difficult when you don't have your best friends (mom and husband) to lean on anymore.
I'm an independent person. I'm a strong person. I can do it. I know it will get easier and by all means, I'm so NOT COMPLAINING that my husband is gone. He calls me from the road and we talk for hours. Again, I've not remembered him being this content in life for a VERY LONG TIME!
Back to my dreams.. When Anthony is home it's so very bitter sweet. We are like newly weds. But one night I dreamed that he had left for a long haul without saying goodbye to me. It felt so real and I was so hurt and angered by it that I was crying and yelling as I awoke from my dream. He was still home. I told him about it and he comforted me.
Then there is my cute daddy. My heart aches so for his loss of mom. They were married for 60 years. Daddy turns 80 years old next month. Sixty years together with mom is 3/4 of his entire life so far. It must feel as though one of his appendages has been removed from him.
I know when mom wants me to help out my daddy. I can feel her nudges. Usually a song will play. What's interesting is that I sang the song... "Wildest dreams" by Taylor Swift to my mom the morning that she passed. I guess in a way, I was asking her to visit me in my dreams! Guess what.. she does!
♫ Say you'll remember me
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again even if it's just in your wildest dreams (Ah ah)
Wildest dreams (Ah ah) ♫
Jessica sang this song for Grandma Billington a few days before she passed away. She loved it when we would sing for her. My mom is an angel now. She is busy taking care of all of her loved ones that she left here on earth. She loves us so very much!
My most recent dream of my mother was in the middle of the day. Last Wednesday. I was really busy and had my day all booked out. Over booked actually. I could feel my mom's presence near as I was trying to make quick decisions. I couldn't remember where I had left my purse and I needed to leave the house again. I was searching, looking in every open doorway of rooms that I had been in.... Then, out of the corner of my eye (in my peripheral vision) I saw my mother's image when she was probably in her early 20's. I turned to get a better look and she was not there. I'm thankful that I got just a tiny glimpse of her. She was happy, young and beautiful!
Yesterday I felt her nudges again. She wanted me to help dad. She literally guided me to him. I was in Orem at my sister's house and I saw a picture of mom and dad that I'd never seen before. I asked for a copy of that picture and was given one. I then left her house and decided to go to the post office to mail a package that had been riding in my back seat for several days. I went to the Orem post office. I had never been there before. When I walked into the post office, there was my dad at the counter talking to a lady. I thought.. huh? daddy? This is just too much of a coincidence to be a coincident! I used a self service kiosk to quickly mail my package. Then I walked over to him. He was getting very agitated at the circumstances that had led to him not receiving his mail at his new address. I didn't want to startle him, but I could feel mom urging me to go stand with him to give him moral support. Daddy turned to look at me with a surprised look on his face. I just put my arm around his shoulders and said we could figure this out together.
Tonight we are celebrating mom's 79th birthday that would be on May 18.
Happy Birthday MOM!!!!
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